TO: All Store Staff
FROM: Management SUBJECT: Restroom Procedures
Settle down, please. Mr. Dickinson, please take your seat. Miss Speaker, would you please sit down? Beloved employees, you may be wondering why I have asked you to show up before the store opens. It is my job, as Director of Human Resources, to see to it all of our employees are productive. At the company’s quarterly meeting last month, it was brought to my attention sales over spring quarter 2018 were down 6%. This means profit is down as well.
After an internal investigation into our company’s policies, it has been determined a large factor in this loss of profit is due to employees’ daily dilly-dallying in company restrooms. Our goal is to eliminate this costly activity. In the past, employees have been permitted to make unrecorded trips to the restroom under informal company guidelines. As of October 1st, the company will be implementing some changes. In compliance with Federal Employment Law E-448-F/Q, all employees must be de-briefed on matters concerning these changes, so here you are.
Effective October 1st, a Restroom Trip Policy RTP (WRITE ON BOARD) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee’s restroom time, and to insure all employees, he, she, and they, receive equal treatment.
Under this new policy, a Restroom Trip Bank Credit” RTBC (WRITE) will be established for employees. On the first of each month, each of you will receive a Restroom Trip Bank Credit – RTBC — of 20 (WRITE) twenty units. Restroom credits can be accumulated as rollover minutes, from month to month.
Within the next two weeks, the entrance to all employee restrooms will be equipped with a Personal Identification Sub Station, or P.I.S.S., connected to a computer-linked voice print recognition device. Before the end of this month, September, every employee, full or part time, must provide two copies of voiceprints (one normal, one under stress), to a computer operator.
The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the remainder of this month. All employees are being advised to acquaint themselves with the Piss location they use most, during this period, to avoid any future unpleasant consequences.
If an employee’s Restroom Trip Bank Credit, (POINT to BOARD) RTBC balance reaches zero units, the restroom stall doors will not unlock for the employee’s voice until 8 a.m., the first business day of the next month, at which time you will receive the next months’ 20 RTBC units. By October 1st, to cut down on further dawdling and water use, the automated sink faucets, which until now have flowed without interruption, will no longer respond to movement after three passes before the eye.
In addition, all restroom stalls will be equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three 3 (WRITE) minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds (WRITE 30 seconds) after the alarm goes off, the paper roll will retract, automatically the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall should remain occupied longer than ten seconds, the offender’s picture will be taken — front, left, and right profile.
The pictures will then be posted on the company website, and bulletin board in the Human Resources Office waiting room, downstairs in the basement. Anyone whose pictures appear on the company bulletin board three (WRITE 3 X) times within a twelve month period will be summarily and immediately terminated. This procedure is not inexpensive to implement, but our surveys show that in the end, it will be cost effective. We hope eliminating this daily dilly-dallying in company restrooms will bring our profits up again.
Does anyone have any questions? (DELAY IF NECESSARY) (Mr. Davis – “When will we get a raise?” “Good question. In your case, if I remember your history, are you not the one who?” Or: I see no hands. Good. If you later find you do have questions about this new policy, please contact your immediate supervisor. The store is about to open. You are all excused to return to your stations. And remember our Company credo: Look sharp!