© 2011 Mirror Image Presentations
AUTHOR CAVEAT: This post has not been edited since 2011. No apologies for any ‘that’s, missing quotation marks, or ‘had’s, but I think it’s a cute story. If you want better writing, read my newer posts.
Thank you. And please remember to click “Like, like like”.
Krebb the caveman was sitting in his grotto thinking, “what this hole needs to make it a home is some wall art and window coverings. I am going to hang the mammoth hides left over from last night’s grub onto sticks and place them in front of this big opening in front. Then, I’m going to smash up these snails to make a nice purple ogre to go with my geranium green, cherry red, and eggshell white paints and create a landscape with livestock on this wall.” And so it was, that the first artist/interior decorator, Kreibb, was born.
The world’s first make-up artist was his cousin, Thump, who one day grunted, “Kreibb, I am going to borrow some of your colored berry and flower paints and try to make your sister, Gluppa, look less ugly.” Kreibb sat down and watched Thump smear the slime on the sister’s cheeks, lips and eyelids, thus making her look, indeed, less un-attractive. This created the opportunity for the world’s first rape to take place.
After dinner, Grubb, the tribe’s crazy man, was sitting around the crackling fire and came up with an idea. Picking at the last bit of meat on his fish bone he invented the first toothpick when he used a scale to pick his teeth. Then an idea came to him. “Mother wench, come here,” he said. He grabbed her by the hair and began detangling the matted up dreadlocks which picking the fleas out with what would become the world’s first comb. When Mother wench realized how much more comfortable life was, minus the fleas, the combing craze quickly spread to other tribe members.
And who else but Pfaart would have looked at the mastodon hide laying on the floor and say, this will not only make a comforting throw rug; I can turn these leftovers into a fashion statement for Mama.” Separating bone from sinew, he invented the first needle and thread and began tailoring the world’s first fur coat, thus giving birth to the furrier trade.
And only Burrrp, with his sensitive taste buds, would have complained, “this stone and skunk gruell tastes disgusting. Wait here while I crush up the roots and herbs I dug up at the water fountain/watering hole/toilet earlier today.” When I present to you my new line of spices, you are going to get to know your taste buds.
Moving forward 30,000 years to Fifteenth Century Florence, we are introduced to the world’s first pornographers. They are Roberti and Giovanni, two young dandies sitting in their Renaissance palazzo drinking the newest craze – tea from China, while dressed in their golden codpieces and silk pointy shoes. Roberti said to his friend and lover, “eh, Giovanni, You sai what cosi cool? Imaginei we painti picturei nudei di Donne et Huomi, and then we esell to the Papi at the Cathedrale! We echange the nudei picturei for Lira et vino and we get drunk!”
Yes, all along, it may just have been the homosexuals who have gotten us into this big nasty mess we call “civilization.”
And so it was.